Light will come out of the Darkness

I want to start this with a bit of a disclaimer. I wrote this last summer throughout the month of June. Everything I wrote, is still completely true today and I wish I had published this earlier. I wanted it to be perfect before I posted it, but as every writer knows- there is no such thing. A childhood friend of mine had taken his own life. I was grieving, and handling trauma and this was my outlet for a lot of that. Almost a year later, I've edited a few things and added a few details. But my desire to publish this and my reasoning why has not changed. What I had to say, has held true in my own life. It get's better. Light will come out of the darkness.

Grief. Merriam-Webster defines grief as "deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement". I define it as this overwhelming feeling that brings on a whole bunch of other feelings. It's something no one should have to experience yet we all do at some point. Many of us will experience it more than others. None of us should have had to experience it this past month. I cannot say that I understand why such bad things happen, but I can say that I have faith. Faith that my friend is in a better place. Faith that despite how unfair this world is, there is still hope for a better tomorrow. Faith that my friends passing will cause a tidal wave of change and action not only in the church but in the world, in the lives of those who knew and loved him. Throughout it all I keep thinking that God makes light of even the darkest of days, and I have faith that God will make a whole lot of light out of this darkness we have found ourselves in.

Ever since my friend passed away I have felt uninspired. Before, I had these plans and inspiration for my writing. Writers draw inspiration from their pain all of the time. And yet I couldn't. It felt wrong. To write about the passing of someone I knew and cared about, someone that the people I know and care about, also cared for. Maybe it was an excuse. But in talking with my mom I had an epiphany. If by writing about what happened and how I felt - could help someone else, I had to share it. She said that maybe it would inspire someone who felt the way my friend did to reach out, or it would inspire the person reading to reach out to the people around them. That caught my attention. The day that I lost my friend I texted my best friend the following "this whole thing has just made me realize how we need to check up on each other and stop being afraid to ask people how they are. you know, to reach out to people even if you aren't close anymore and just let them know you care about them and you're always there if they need you. i don't know if theres anything i could've done to help (him) and i know its not my fault but i just wish that i would've reached out and i don't ever wanna regret not reaching out again." So if I reach out to you randomly, no matter what our current relationship or situation is, know that I do it with the truest and most honest intentions.

Here is something I wrote at about midnight - when the best inspiration and ideas strike:

A Loss Unexpected.

that day affected us all, all in different ways

those of us who can no longer sleep with the lights off

those who just can't seem to find motivation

those who still think about what they saw and heard and still can't seem to understand it those who pretend they're fine but you know are nothing close to it

those who experience ptsd, triggered by a shriek of laughter in a restaurant or the screech of moving metal in a busy store

those who have thoughts that plague them when they least expect it

those who still can't seem to be able to sleep at night

those who still wonder what they could've done differently

those who still feel guilt, and anger, and sadness

all of those who still grieve a loss unexpected

I am sure that you can probably relate to many if not all of those lines above if you have experienced a loss. I am not going to say that one day they'll no longer apply to you. All I can say is that one day it'll get easier to breathe. One day that weight on your heart will lessen. And if it doesn't, that's okay too. But until then I look for Gods hands in that day, despite the tragedy even in the little things God could be seen, he was there. He was in the sunset at the lake (pictured above) while we searched. He was there when my friend's car overheated. We pulled into the closest gas station. A police officer was parked in that same gas station. That police officer happened to be the father of a friend of ours. In a moment of panic on an already emotionally exhausting day, he was a familiar face. He was a police officer from an entirely different city but he just so happened to have been in the exact place that we were, at the exact same time. That was not coincidence or luck, that was God. And I'm sure if you look you'll see, he is there for you too.

Lastly, I want everyone to know that it is okay to not be okay, things will get better, and you are not going through it alone.

Please reach out to a trusted friend, teacher, parent or family member, the resources I've listed below, or even to me. I can't promise to make things better but I can listen!

Check in on your friends, family, co-workers, those that you care about. Be kind, always. Be the light in the darkness.

If you or anyone you know is dealing with mental health issues please contact: 1-800-950-6264 (NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness)

If you or anyone you know is having suicidal thoughts please contact: 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline)

*originally published June 22, 2020*